Sometimes, one just needs to read the signs for what they are and stop engaging in self-delusion.

I don't care = I don't care = I don't care.

The message is as clear as day so what exactly do I not understand?
Really, I should stop being such a fool.

A heavy heart lightened with smses from a good 'ol pal and a couple of virtual hugs along the way. I survived last night, and today as well.

A 3 hour exam, serious back-from-leave inertia with overwhelming workload, familiar faces at work, and new friends from dance class. Throw in a free cab ride home and there you have it, my Thursday in summary.

I'll be ok :)



...neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God....
- Romans 8:38

或天旋或地转
经沧海历桑田
都不能叫我与你爱隔绝

I'm sad. Indescribably so.

This week's been pretty decent so far and it ended on a good note today with the department going a little crazy during the meeting because it's (finally) Friday. A ridiculous amount of junk food, a good dose of silliness and tons of laughter. My work pals are so fabulous I simply can't imagine life without them.

Anyway, after some last minute packing, assisted by the trusty 'ol sis, I'm almost good to go! I hope the weather holds up well *crosses fingers* because this is my only real holiday for the year so I really do want to enjoy the outdoors.

Alrighty, be back in 7 days. Byeeee!

Today's one of those days again. There's a huge burden weighing me down and I wish that I could just cry and let it all out but the tears wouldn't flow. I feel so terribly alone and I'm afraid of closing my eyes. I don't know what tomorrow holds and I'm afraid of it. I'm nervous about going to work but the clock's ticking away and I know that I haven't got much time left. It will be tomorrow soon....

I sense the fear building up but I musn't walk down that path of anxiety again. I refuse. I refuse to surrender to it.

Dear God, I can't do this alone. I can't fight this battle by myself and so right now, I will surrender to you. I'm too tired to walk right now so carry me Lord. You see my inmost being and you know what I'm going through right now. Take all my fears and that itsy bitsy little seed of faith (or whatever's left) and use it for your glory.


Into His hands I lay the fears that haunt me,
The dread of future ills that may befall;
Into His hands I lay the doubts that taunt me,
And rest securely, trusting Him for all. —Christiansen

I feel so tired. So so incredibly tired.

It suddenly occured to me that I'm flying off next week. Yikes x 10000.
For some crazy reason, I'm feeling all nervous about it and I really don't know why. It's not supposed to feel this way at all. I should be excited about the trip, getting my planning done and counting down to it. But I'm not. In fact, I haven't even sorted out my accomodation :/

Maybe it's because I haven't done this in such a long time and I've lost touch with that side of me. Maybe I'm afraid of feeling lonely and not having anyone to talk to. ARGH. I've even been toying with the idea of finding a travel partner....how how how??? Gotta decide soon. Very soon.

I attended my very first guitar class today and I tell you, it was the best 1 hour that I've spent this week. The class is Christian-based so before we start each session, the instructor will lead us in an opening prayer followed by a short sharing session. In each class, we'll learn how to play a song that's based on a particular bible verse. Today's theme was "peace" and the verse was Jeremiah 29:11 (Exactly what I needed).

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

As everyone sang and played the guitar together, it felt like a mini cell group of sorts. I felt incredibly at peace and it's all so unbelievably perfect. At the end of it, the instructor said a closing prayer and encouraged us to go back and incorporate the new song that we've learnt into our daily quiet time. I'm definitely looking forward to my next class.

God is good :)

Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.    - Dorothy Thompson


If there's one thing that I've learnt today, it is that respect, unlike authority, is earned...not given.
Taken objectively, today might have been an awful day filled with more problems and uncertainty piled upon the existing mountain of obstacles. But surprisingly, I feel ok. I'm taking one baby step at a time and I'm learning to trust all over again. It's going to be a rough journey ahead, filled with bumps and all. But it's a path that I must take, and I will. Except this time, I'm not gonna be walking alone. Someone up there is holding my hand and I know that I will get to the end of the road safe and sound :)

Courage, grace.

I was very tempted to stay in yesterday but i'm glad I dragged myself out for the Singapore Sevens. Managed to catch up with Daniel as well, which was great. Lots of vocal abuse from all that shouting but I enjoyed myself thoroughly and now I really miss the game oh-so-very-much. Gotta make it to one of those Saturday touch rugby sessions soon!

( Pictures )

Dear God,

Today was the worst day of my working life and I feel so afraid and helpless. But thank you Lord, for your grace. And thank you Lord, for blessing me with the best colleagues in the world and for friends who are always there for me no matter what.

Above all, I know that you are in control. So as I wait for the outcome on Monday, I will praise You and put my trust in You.
Thank you for giving me this opportunity to draw closer to You, and for me to turn my focus back onto You for I've wandered too far away. I'm running back to You Lord, and I know that under Your wings of protection, I will be safe. I will sleep peacefully tonight because I know that You have me covered.


Hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand,
Never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
Not a surge of worry, not a shade of care,
Not a blast of hurry touch the spirit there. —Havergal

Friend: You were sitting there at night? All alone???
Me: yeah...it was pouring like mad.
Friend: you should have called me!
Me: But you were tired. You even went home early after work yesterday.
Friend: Uh-huh....but I could have gone back!



Me: That was silly. I can't believe you just spoke to the lift. Twice.
Friend: Yeah...but at least it made you smile.


Precious little conversations, a short sms, a silly MMS. And I didn't even need to ask. It's the little things like these that remind me of how blessed I am. 

So thank you dear friends, for holding my hand and accompanying me through the darkest times of my life. Thank you for caring enough to stay, and for simply being there.
 
I might not be happy, but I'm at peace. Because I feel so immensely and incredibly loved. 

Have you ever experienced one of those days where you just wished that tomorrow would never come?
Today's one such day.

I really don't have the strength to drag myself to work tomorrow. This burden is just too heavy for me to bear. It's crushing me. Slowly, but surely, it's crushing me. I wish someone could lift it away for me. I wish there was someone to share it with. I miss being able to do so. 

Walk on, grace. Even if you're going to be alone on this journey, just keep on walking. 

A nightmare in slumber, a burden throughout my waking moments.

Today as I walked out of the hospital, I started tearing all of a sudden. I felt (and looked) quite ridiculous really, because I was on the escalator sipping away on my drink. But at that moment, I knew I was burntout. The past 2 weeks of PMS-ing have also convinced the colleagues that Grace is officially maxed out. It's time to get away.

If there's anything that I miss about student life, it's the freedom of being able to leave on a whim. Granted, I wasn't the most compliant student around but hey, you're only young once. And now that we "gainfully employed" people are bound by this evil thing called "leave application", I'm glad I never wasted an opportunity in the past.

So when I got home today, I switched on the computer and bought my ticket to rest. Manado, Indonesia it is :)

Hidden in the hollow of His blessed hand,
Never foe can follow, never traitor stand;
Not a surge of worry, not a shade of care,
Not a blast of hurry touch the spirit there. —Havergal

Hang in there grace, it's almost Friday.

I sometimes wonder if I've got DID, or in more layman terms, a "split personality". Perhaps I've just perfected the art of  compartmentalising my emotions. Or maybe work is just so demanding that I simply have no spare cognitive resources to entertain anything else. Whatever the case is, I amazed myself by stepping into the hospital this morning, switching on my "PR mode" instantaneously and went through the entire day without even stopping to feel for one split second. Given my state of emotions the night before, I honestly didn't think that it would have been remotely possible. But once again, I proved myself wrong.

I sometimes don't feel like me anymore...I need a break, to piece together all the fragmented bits and to find myself once more.